I think she gets bigger in my mind every time I think about her, and I remember her well. It’s at, or near, the top of my list of most embarrassing moments of my life.
I love baseball. Everybody who knows me knows that. I pitched on my high school baseball team when I was a teenager. Growing up in small town Fallon, Nevada meant that we got to do a lot of traveling just to throw the ball around. On this particular day, having traveled five hours to Elko for a tournament, we all pitched in for hotel rooms rather than worry about trying to drive through the night.
At the hotel, some of the players brought things to do, while other people, like me, only brought ourselves. I wasn’t a popular or cool kid, just regular ol’ Russ that loved to play baseball, and I sort of tagged along where and when people let me. So when I was asked if I wanted to run down to the vending machines with the rest of the guys to get some snacks, I jumped up and headed out with them.
Conversations about music, baseball, and girls were budding all around me, but I was just sort of minding my own business. Hotels have the weirdest carpet patterns, especially in Nevada where a lot of the hotels are also casinos. I was watching the patterns on the floor, walking at the front of the large group of teenaged ball players, when I walked into my hotel room. I knew it was my room because I had left the door stopper so that it kept the door half an inch open.
I could have avoided the whole situation if I had just looked at the room number before I pushed the door open. That would have prevented it. I could have minimized the problem if I had peeled my eyes off the carpet before I made it all the way into the room. That would have minimized it. And in case you haven’t guessed, it wasn’t my room after all. When my eyes noticed a pair of bare feminine feet in front of me, I finally looked up. And there she was. She was enormous and she was dressed only in her lingerie.
My brain didn’t work quickly enough for me to think about hurrying out of there. I did nothing and I said nothing because my mind had frozen up. I was all the way into the middle of her room when I finally realized that I needed to get out of there. When I reached the door, however, there was a man- a tiny man. I think he gets smaller in my mind every time I think about him, and I remember him well. He came only up to my chest. Lucky for me, his arms were full with a bucket of ice containing a bottle of wine. If they weren’t, he likely would have jumped up and punched me in the nose.
The night was downhill from there. It’s one thing to do something like that when you’re all alone, it’s a lot worse when the majority of your high school baseball team sees the whole thing. Not only that, but the game we had gone there to play got rained out. True story.